They'll judge you anyway.

It has been awhile since I have blogged. Believe it or not, I find myself more and more at peace everyday.

Moving forward has been a huge relief. I no longer focus all my time and energy on infertility. I no longer feel bitter about others getting pregnant and little old me being left in the dust forgotten about. I no longer care to have people feel sorry for me. I no longer have fertile friends giving me horrible advice since they're the experts or telling me really cruel things that they don't think about before saying. I no longer feel like it's a smack in the face seeing the "for the mommys" posts. 

I do remember our loss and the pain I experienced. I will always have a love for that baby that no one will understand. Yes, I was only a few months along before our baby passed but what if that were your earthly child? I bet you wouldn't say "At least you weren't that far along." Think about it.

We have officially moved on to the part of acceptance and we are content with not having children. I feel that one of the reasons I wanted one so badly was because literally, all of my other friends were having babies. I don't have to fit in. A lot of those people told me "Well, things happen for a reason." That doesn't make our loss okay. I didn't want to lose our baby but I am seeing that God isn't done with me. I have really opened my eyes! We still have a lot to accomplish in life. I have had a lot of friends and random people tell me how jealous they are and that they wish they could've gotten their degree or traveled. Having a child is a choice for those that are able to. And if you aren't ready for that commitment, don't have one, or two, or three. I do not believe "having a child is the hardest job on the planet." You make that choice. We are used to our peace and quiet. We are used to our alone time and stepping out the door to do whatever we want. It is what we are used to and what we like. There is nothing wrong with that. Some may think it as selfish but there is nothing saying that we HAVE to have kids. It is not selfish to put my own well-being first. It is what society expects. I shouldn't be called a "waste of a woman" because I can't and don't want kids. This doesn't mean we don't agree with you choosing to have kids but we would like the respect of our choice. There is just more to our lives than having children. We are a happy family of two and I am a mother to an angel!

Welcome to the DINK life.

After you're married, everyone expects you to do the norm. To bring a baby into this world. But what if you went the other route?

Some couples, like us, aren't as fortunate. A lot of couples suffering with infertility can't afford to continue treatment, IVF, or adoption. It's not that simple for some. It's not fair couples who really want a baby have to pay THOUSANDS of dollars for treatments that may not even work. I hope the next time you think about asking, "When are you going to have a baby?" you consider that some couples just simply can't. It gets to be too overwhelming. All of the pressure, doctors, treatments. You feel like you don't fit in anywhere. 

Our life has taken a new turn. We have moved on from the thought of trying to have children. I mean, we are going on year 5 of ttc. It's exhausting! We are focusing on US and having fun. I haven't felt this much peace in my life in a very long time. We are a FAMILY of two. We are DINK's. (Dual Income No Kids) Maybe the DINK life isn't so bad? ;) 

Let yourself move to the next chapter in life when the time comes. Don't remain stuck on the same page. 

My worth is not determined by having children.

Accepting what is.

I've been thinking a lot. But I have also come to terms of acceptance and peace...

     I’ve come to realize that our experience with infertility primarily changed who I am, and has subsequently redefined what IS normal for me. 
     
     I'm not "normal." My body doesn't do what women are "supposed" to do…I am infertile. I have come to accept that. And I feeling somewhat at peace. Yes, I still miss our baby but I am learning to accept this disease that I do have. Having babies is expected of couples. Well, maybe some couples can't (and trying to get pregnant with help is EXPENSIVE) and maybe some just don't by choice. Just by looking at someone, you will never know if they are infertile, going through (IVF) infertility treatment or have just had a miscarriage. Conception is a miracle and so too is the act of giving life to another. For those that are willing and able they should be grateful and not take it for granted. Being a parent does not make you better than a childless couple. Being a parent does not make you more knowledgeable about life, it only makes you knowledgable about different things. A woman's reason for being childless is hers and hers alone. It is no one else's business to assume or pretend to know all the answers. I've been told many cruel things over the years by people who do not understand what we go through. It gets tiring…emotionally and physically. I wouldn't wish infertility even on my worst enemy. But I have accepted that for whatever reason, I am suffering with this.
    
      At this point in my life, I have decided that we need to press forward. I need to live my life with my husband and we need to enjoy our life together. We have such a huge opportunity with doing whatever we want right now! Just having FUN together. We can use a nonexistent college fund to travel the world! We can pack up our things and go wherever we want, when we want. I can go shopping for myself. I can go out to the grocery store, peacefully. We can stay up late and sleep in! We can do movies and late night dinners on random week nights. My husband has said that I have a good point and couldn't agree more. A lot of you reading this may not understand. You may think we are selfish for thinking this. It's simply accepting a disease that I have. My life is different than the normal "oh you're married, you're supposed to have kids now" life. We have battled infertility for going on 5 years. It's time to enjoy US! This is my new normal.
   
     I will always be a "mother" to our angel baby/furbabies and I will always be the best "auntie" to whoever claims me as one. :) (plus, we can give them BACK!) And if one day, we have a successful pregnancy, then so be it. We will love that baby more than life itself. But for now, this is life as we know it. 

--You don't have to defend or explain your decisions to anyone. It's YOUR life.
--"Acceptance is not submission; it is acknowledgement of the facts of a situation. Then deciding what you're going to do about it." 
--You're not a real woman until you've had kids? False. Being born with a vagina makes you female.
    

Just a blue Christmas without you

Well, it's that time of year. The time where everyone is supposed to be cheerful and celebrating the birth of our Savior. Christmas.
                   
                        I'm trying. I really am. 

I can't help but feel overwhelmed with sadness. Why? This is around the time we were supposed to find out the sex of our baby. My sweet Noah. I was looking forward to going home after being away from family for a year due to the military to show off my pregnant belly. But now that is gone. My baby was taken away from me. Everything we had hoped and prayed for is gone. Now when I go home to see family, I will feel shame and embarrassment like I let all of them down in a way. I am supposed to be happy. But that seems almost impossible at times when I feel like a failure.

I wanted for family and friends to shower me with baby clothes. I wanted to have them rub my belly and share their excitement with us. I wanted to talk about ideas for the nursery. Everything normal pregnant women experience, I wanted. It's another childfree Christmas for us. This year is just a bit harder.

No, do not worry. I am not "depressed." I still have my days where I am grieving. I have every right to grieve. I am tired of hearing people say "I'm glad you are better" like it was nothing. I am tired of hearing people say "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant." Do you know how long it took for that pregnancy to happen? Do you think I wanted to lose my baby? I don't even know if it will ever happen again. You don't either. And if it does happen again, I'd like to carry to full term. I know people aren't trying to hurt me. I don't expect everyone to understand. But I wish people were a bit more sensitive. Sometimes, a simple "I'm sorry" can go a long way.

All we ask for is your continued prayers. For not only us but everyone going through infertility and pregnancy loss. Prayers for a next year to be full of blessings and miracles....for this part of life to finally come to an end. It's going to be a long, hard road......

I want to see you be BRAVE.

Lately, things have been a little easier. I still miss him. I still hurt. But I try to think positive.

On a previous blog, I mentioned I am seeing a therapist....okay, I WAS seeing a therapist! I only saw her three times. On my last visit, she had noticed a huge improvement. I guess there is only so much you can say when it comes to a pregnancy loss and infertility. I told her that I am very open about my journey. I mentioned to her my blog, my very popular pinterest board (pregnancy challenged - if you'd like to look me up!), and I now run a facebook page in support of infertility/pregnancy loss. Hearing from many of my followers, I believe, has been what has helped heal me. Hearing their stories, how their heart breaks for me because they have been through the SAME thing, how I have inspired them, all of that has healed me and inspired me. That has been the best medicine.

I no longer have to see my therapist after that session! At the end of our talk, she asked me "What have you gained from our sessions?" I told her "I have learned that it is okay to feel angry, sad, confused, hurt, and wondering "why" after you lose your baby. It's okay to grieve and there is no time limit on grief. To take all the time you need but don't live in that moment for the rest of your life." What a huge relief it felt to say all of that! It really felt good.

My husband and I are back at square one with infertility. My doctor is still encouraging us to keep testing but we decided to take a break. With our decision to take a break, it does not mean we are giving up. I don't want infertility consuming my life...our life. I am still healing - emotionally and physically. I feel that if I stay as positive as I can through this and talking about infertility/pregnancy loss, I can help so many people with their journey as well as mine. 

Your heartache is someone else's hope. If you make it through, somebody else is going to make it through. Tell your story.

Life is a mountain not a beach.

I feel like during my 23 years of life, I have endured many mountains. My therapist (yes, I am seeing a therapist since my miscarriage) said that I don't have a plate full, I have a buffet. So true! I never would've thought I would ever make a therapist cry, but sharing my story of infertility and my missed miscarriage had her in tears.

It has been 3 days since my d&c. Emotionally, I'm doing better than what I thought. I have random break down moments, though, which I expect to happen every now and then. Yesterday was Halloween and man, that was hard. I had planned to paint my belly as a pumpkin with my hubby for Halloween. And having to see all of my friends post pictures of their babies in their costumes on facebook was horrible. You can't help but feel super sad and bitter when you see everyone else with their babies....and seeing them happy knowing that THAT moment was supposed to be you soon. That happiness is all gone. It's hard and strange going from being happy and pregnant for 2.5 months to absolutely nothing now.

I'm ready for my body to heal so we can try again. But that is also scary. Is it going to take ANOTHER four years? Will it actually happen again? Then there's the fear of losing another baby. I don't think I want to go through more tests from the doctor for awhile. I want to do natural herbs and see how that goes. I truly, truly believe that is what got us pregnant. For those wondering, I took dong quai and evening primrose oil at the end of my period until ovulation. (I took OPKs and I had a positive! It was my first time using an OPK) After that cycle, I was pregnant! We are hoping this will work again and the baby will hang in there with us. Has anyone out there reading this have a successful pregnancy after a d&c? Has anyone else tried any herbs to get pregnant?

I may have endured many mountains but I am determined to continue to MOVE those mountains!

You don't get over it. You just get through it.

"You don't get over it. You just get through it."
    That right there is some of the best advice I have received during this time. This is exactly what I needed to hear. Not : "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant. You can heal and start over." I wanted the baby we had tried for, for 4 years. (Yes, I like to put the 4 years part out there because that's a pretty darn long time to just "start over.")

I had my d&c today. I think the most painful part was the IV. My veins of course are small and stubborn. I was fortunate to get pricked several times. (Sarcasm) I think since I have practiced IV's during my cardiology course for tech school, knowing what to expect and knowing the most "painful" spots didn't help. The last thing I remember was being rolled down the hall and then I woke up feeling empty.

My friend told me I would feel this empty part of me. She was right. Everything we had worked hard for, hoped, prayed, and dreamed for 4 years about was gone. I had lost my baby 5 weeks ago but now after this surgery, he was gone. I no longer feel connected to that little baby I once had.

As my body is healing, all I can think about IS starting over. Wondering how long it is going to take for us to be blessed again and IF we will be blessed again. I keep trying to hang onto faith but sometimes, I get to a low point and I can't help but think "what if." I feel like my life is put on hold because it is revolved around having a baby of our own. That's how desperate we want to be parents to a baby we created together. But I believe once we have that little baby in our arms, we will be the BEST parents ever imagined because that baby has been wanted for a very long time and will be very loved.

"You don't get over it. You just get through it."