Well, it's that time of year. The time where everyone is supposed to be cheerful and celebrating the birth of our Savior. Christmas.
I'm trying. I really am.
I can't help but feel overwhelmed with sadness. Why? This is around the time we were supposed to find out the sex of our baby. My sweet Noah. I was looking forward to going home after being away from family for a year due to the military to show off my pregnant belly. But now that is gone. My baby was taken away from me. Everything we had hoped and prayed for is gone. Now when I go home to see family, I will feel shame and embarrassment like I let all of them down in a way. I am supposed to be happy. But that seems almost impossible at times when I feel like a failure.
I wanted for family and friends to shower me with baby clothes. I wanted to have them rub my belly and share their excitement with us. I wanted to talk about ideas for the nursery. Everything normal pregnant women experience, I wanted. It's another childfree Christmas for us. This year is just a bit harder.
No, do not worry. I am not "depressed." I still have my days where I am grieving. I have every right to grieve. I am tired of hearing people say "I'm glad you are better" like it was nothing. I am tired of hearing people say "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant." Do you know how long it took for that pregnancy to happen? Do you think I wanted to lose my baby? I don't even know if it will ever happen again. You don't either. And if it does happen again, I'd like to carry to full term. I know people aren't trying to hurt me. I don't expect everyone to understand. But I wish people were a bit more sensitive. Sometimes, a simple "I'm sorry" can go a long way.
All we ask for is your continued prayers. For not only us but everyone going through infertility and pregnancy loss. Prayers for a next year to be full of blessings and miracles....for this part of life to finally come to an end. It's going to be a long, hard road......
