I want to see you be BRAVE.

Lately, things have been a little easier. I still miss him. I still hurt. But I try to think positive.

On a previous blog, I mentioned I am seeing a therapist....okay, I WAS seeing a therapist! I only saw her three times. On my last visit, she had noticed a huge improvement. I guess there is only so much you can say when it comes to a pregnancy loss and infertility. I told her that I am very open about my journey. I mentioned to her my blog, my very popular pinterest board (pregnancy challenged - if you'd like to look me up!), and I now run a facebook page in support of infertility/pregnancy loss. Hearing from many of my followers, I believe, has been what has helped heal me. Hearing their stories, how their heart breaks for me because they have been through the SAME thing, how I have inspired them, all of that has healed me and inspired me. That has been the best medicine.

I no longer have to see my therapist after that session! At the end of our talk, she asked me "What have you gained from our sessions?" I told her "I have learned that it is okay to feel angry, sad, confused, hurt, and wondering "why" after you lose your baby. It's okay to grieve and there is no time limit on grief. To take all the time you need but don't live in that moment for the rest of your life." What a huge relief it felt to say all of that! It really felt good.

My husband and I are back at square one with infertility. My doctor is still encouraging us to keep testing but we decided to take a break. With our decision to take a break, it does not mean we are giving up. I don't want infertility consuming my life...our life. I am still healing - emotionally and physically. I feel that if I stay as positive as I can through this and talking about infertility/pregnancy loss, I can help so many people with their journey as well as mine. 

Your heartache is someone else's hope. If you make it through, somebody else is going to make it through. Tell your story.

Life is a mountain not a beach.

I feel like during my 23 years of life, I have endured many mountains. My therapist (yes, I am seeing a therapist since my miscarriage) said that I don't have a plate full, I have a buffet. So true! I never would've thought I would ever make a therapist cry, but sharing my story of infertility and my missed miscarriage had her in tears.

It has been 3 days since my d&c. Emotionally, I'm doing better than what I thought. I have random break down moments, though, which I expect to happen every now and then. Yesterday was Halloween and man, that was hard. I had planned to paint my belly as a pumpkin with my hubby for Halloween. And having to see all of my friends post pictures of their babies in their costumes on facebook was horrible. You can't help but feel super sad and bitter when you see everyone else with their babies....and seeing them happy knowing that THAT moment was supposed to be you soon. That happiness is all gone. It's hard and strange going from being happy and pregnant for 2.5 months to absolutely nothing now.

I'm ready for my body to heal so we can try again. But that is also scary. Is it going to take ANOTHER four years? Will it actually happen again? Then there's the fear of losing another baby. I don't think I want to go through more tests from the doctor for awhile. I want to do natural herbs and see how that goes. I truly, truly believe that is what got us pregnant. For those wondering, I took dong quai and evening primrose oil at the end of my period until ovulation. (I took OPKs and I had a positive! It was my first time using an OPK) After that cycle, I was pregnant! We are hoping this will work again and the baby will hang in there with us. Has anyone out there reading this have a successful pregnancy after a d&c? Has anyone else tried any herbs to get pregnant?

I may have endured many mountains but I am determined to continue to MOVE those mountains!