You don't get over it. You just get through it.

"You don't get over it. You just get through it."
    That right there is some of the best advice I have received during this time. This is exactly what I needed to hear. Not : "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant. You can heal and start over." I wanted the baby we had tried for, for 4 years. (Yes, I like to put the 4 years part out there because that's a pretty darn long time to just "start over.")

I had my d&c today. I think the most painful part was the IV. My veins of course are small and stubborn. I was fortunate to get pricked several times. (Sarcasm) I think since I have practiced IV's during my cardiology course for tech school, knowing what to expect and knowing the most "painful" spots didn't help. The last thing I remember was being rolled down the hall and then I woke up feeling empty.

My friend told me I would feel this empty part of me. She was right. Everything we had worked hard for, hoped, prayed, and dreamed for 4 years about was gone. I had lost my baby 5 weeks ago but now after this surgery, he was gone. I no longer feel connected to that little baby I once had.

As my body is healing, all I can think about IS starting over. Wondering how long it is going to take for us to be blessed again and IF we will be blessed again. I keep trying to hang onto faith but sometimes, I get to a low point and I can't help but think "what if." I feel like my life is put on hold because it is revolved around having a baby of our own. That's how desperate we want to be parents to a baby we created together. But I believe once we have that little baby in our arms, we will be the BEST parents ever imagined because that baby has been wanted for a very long time and will be very loved.

"You don't get over it. You just get through it." 

They say "Time heals everything" but I'm still waiting.

I know a d&c isn't that big of a deal to some. But this is scary for me. I have never been "put under" and knowing that they will be scraping and vaccuming out our baby is painful. I've had people tell me, "Well, once you have it, you can heal and move on." Do they really know how difficult that is for us?

We tried for this baby for four years. FOUR YEARS. I have undergone many tests to diagnose the reasoning behind my infertility and no answers. I was going back to the doctor to undergo more tests but a week later, after speaking with a doctor, we found out I was pregnant. I don't want to "get rid of this baby." We wanted this one. Now, after the surgery, it feels like we are back to square one. I will be a test dummy yet again. I will never get used to being exposed to different doctors and having them in my personal area to figure out what's wrong. I'm at a lost as to whether or not I should even go through more tests due to this pain I am going through now.

Do people really understand how I feel? I feel those who have gone through battling infertility understand very much so. It's back to where we started, four years ago.

My Angel Baby

October 21, 2013. A day I wish I could've skipped over.

On our 4 year wedding anniversary, after 4 years of TTC, we found out we were pregnant. Oh yeah, we were excited! I took pregnancy tests every month in hopes to have that one positive test. Well, I finally did. I had a very faint positive and ran out of the bathroom (shorts around my ankles) to show my husband. We ran back out to the store to get another test that would later spell it out to us: P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T. Holy crap. This is happening. We finally beat infertility.

I immediately fell in love. I loved my belly, having symptoms, talking about shopping for baby items, discussing baby names, talking about the future with our baby - I was over the moon in love with my baby. My whole family was excited for us. Everyone knew how badly we wanted a baby. This was our miracle baby. I know everyone says they have a miracle baby but I feel when you are told you suffer with infertility and you really don't think it is ever going to happen but it finally does, well, that's a true miracle.

I had one of my coworkers take a peep at my belly with one of our machines in cardiology at work when I was 6.5 weeks. There was our little Nemo. (Our last name is Fisher so Nemo was the nickname we had chosen). I couldn't believe my eyes. There is our baby! We could even see the heart beating. I felt a sense of relief knowing our baby was okay since my official ultrasound wasn't until I was 11 weeks. (Joys of being in the military)

Those weeks had passed and here I am in the waiting room for our first *real* ultrasound! (At this appointment, I was 11w4d pregnant) I was anxious. We get in our room and here comes in the doctor. I was ready to see how much our baby had grown since my sneak peek with my coworker. As she put the probe on my belly, the room got quiet. She bluntly came out and said "Well, there's no heartbeat. Looks like the baby passed away a little after 8 weeks. You can sit in the room as long as you need to." Was this for real?! My heart sank and I cried and hollered "No, no, no, no!!" My husband was speechless. The doctor left the room leaving the image of our deceased baby on the screen. What a horrible way to remember your child when only a few weeks prior, you saw him doing fine.

My heart was crushed. It still is. I feel so distant from everyone and lost. I don't know where to start. We had a silent miscarriage. My little baby is still in me as I am typing this. How is this possible? Why me? Why us? Why my baby? Gone in an instant. I feel like I am a walking grave for my baby. I want to let go but my body hasn't let me yet. Tuesday, I will have a d&c. That's when I will have my finally goodbye. I still lay my hand on my belly and talk to him, letting him know how much I do love him and how much I miss him. I tell him that mommy and daddy think about him every second of the day and we always will. He could never be replaced.

I hope one day we will be blessed again. Noah Blake, mommy and daddy will always love you. You're our little angel. Our miracle.