Just a blue Christmas without you

Well, it's that time of year. The time where everyone is supposed to be cheerful and celebrating the birth of our Savior. Christmas.
                   
                        I'm trying. I really am. 

I can't help but feel overwhelmed with sadness. Why? This is around the time we were supposed to find out the sex of our baby. My sweet Noah. I was looking forward to going home after being away from family for a year due to the military to show off my pregnant belly. But now that is gone. My baby was taken away from me. Everything we had hoped and prayed for is gone. Now when I go home to see family, I will feel shame and embarrassment like I let all of them down in a way. I am supposed to be happy. But that seems almost impossible at times when I feel like a failure.

I wanted for family and friends to shower me with baby clothes. I wanted to have them rub my belly and share their excitement with us. I wanted to talk about ideas for the nursery. Everything normal pregnant women experience, I wanted. It's another childfree Christmas for us. This year is just a bit harder.

No, do not worry. I am not "depressed." I still have my days where I am grieving. I have every right to grieve. I am tired of hearing people say "I'm glad you are better" like it was nothing. I am tired of hearing people say "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant." Do you know how long it took for that pregnancy to happen? Do you think I wanted to lose my baby? I don't even know if it will ever happen again. You don't either. And if it does happen again, I'd like to carry to full term. I know people aren't trying to hurt me. I don't expect everyone to understand. But I wish people were a bit more sensitive. Sometimes, a simple "I'm sorry" can go a long way.

All we ask for is your continued prayers. For not only us but everyone going through infertility and pregnancy loss. Prayers for a next year to be full of blessings and miracles....for this part of life to finally come to an end. It's going to be a long, hard road......

I want to see you be BRAVE.

Lately, things have been a little easier. I still miss him. I still hurt. But I try to think positive.

On a previous blog, I mentioned I am seeing a therapist....okay, I WAS seeing a therapist! I only saw her three times. On my last visit, she had noticed a huge improvement. I guess there is only so much you can say when it comes to a pregnancy loss and infertility. I told her that I am very open about my journey. I mentioned to her my blog, my very popular pinterest board (pregnancy challenged - if you'd like to look me up!), and I now run a facebook page in support of infertility/pregnancy loss. Hearing from many of my followers, I believe, has been what has helped heal me. Hearing their stories, how their heart breaks for me because they have been through the SAME thing, how I have inspired them, all of that has healed me and inspired me. That has been the best medicine.

I no longer have to see my therapist after that session! At the end of our talk, she asked me "What have you gained from our sessions?" I told her "I have learned that it is okay to feel angry, sad, confused, hurt, and wondering "why" after you lose your baby. It's okay to grieve and there is no time limit on grief. To take all the time you need but don't live in that moment for the rest of your life." What a huge relief it felt to say all of that! It really felt good.

My husband and I are back at square one with infertility. My doctor is still encouraging us to keep testing but we decided to take a break. With our decision to take a break, it does not mean we are giving up. I don't want infertility consuming my life...our life. I am still healing - emotionally and physically. I feel that if I stay as positive as I can through this and talking about infertility/pregnancy loss, I can help so many people with their journey as well as mine. 

Your heartache is someone else's hope. If you make it through, somebody else is going to make it through. Tell your story.

Life is a mountain not a beach.

I feel like during my 23 years of life, I have endured many mountains. My therapist (yes, I am seeing a therapist since my miscarriage) said that I don't have a plate full, I have a buffet. So true! I never would've thought I would ever make a therapist cry, but sharing my story of infertility and my missed miscarriage had her in tears.

It has been 3 days since my d&c. Emotionally, I'm doing better than what I thought. I have random break down moments, though, which I expect to happen every now and then. Yesterday was Halloween and man, that was hard. I had planned to paint my belly as a pumpkin with my hubby for Halloween. And having to see all of my friends post pictures of their babies in their costumes on facebook was horrible. You can't help but feel super sad and bitter when you see everyone else with their babies....and seeing them happy knowing that THAT moment was supposed to be you soon. That happiness is all gone. It's hard and strange going from being happy and pregnant for 2.5 months to absolutely nothing now.

I'm ready for my body to heal so we can try again. But that is also scary. Is it going to take ANOTHER four years? Will it actually happen again? Then there's the fear of losing another baby. I don't think I want to go through more tests from the doctor for awhile. I want to do natural herbs and see how that goes. I truly, truly believe that is what got us pregnant. For those wondering, I took dong quai and evening primrose oil at the end of my period until ovulation. (I took OPKs and I had a positive! It was my first time using an OPK) After that cycle, I was pregnant! We are hoping this will work again and the baby will hang in there with us. Has anyone out there reading this have a successful pregnancy after a d&c? Has anyone else tried any herbs to get pregnant?

I may have endured many mountains but I am determined to continue to MOVE those mountains!

You don't get over it. You just get through it.

"You don't get over it. You just get through it."
    That right there is some of the best advice I have received during this time. This is exactly what I needed to hear. Not : "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant. You can heal and start over." I wanted the baby we had tried for, for 4 years. (Yes, I like to put the 4 years part out there because that's a pretty darn long time to just "start over.")

I had my d&c today. I think the most painful part was the IV. My veins of course are small and stubborn. I was fortunate to get pricked several times. (Sarcasm) I think since I have practiced IV's during my cardiology course for tech school, knowing what to expect and knowing the most "painful" spots didn't help. The last thing I remember was being rolled down the hall and then I woke up feeling empty.

My friend told me I would feel this empty part of me. She was right. Everything we had worked hard for, hoped, prayed, and dreamed for 4 years about was gone. I had lost my baby 5 weeks ago but now after this surgery, he was gone. I no longer feel connected to that little baby I once had.

As my body is healing, all I can think about IS starting over. Wondering how long it is going to take for us to be blessed again and IF we will be blessed again. I keep trying to hang onto faith but sometimes, I get to a low point and I can't help but think "what if." I feel like my life is put on hold because it is revolved around having a baby of our own. That's how desperate we want to be parents to a baby we created together. But I believe once we have that little baby in our arms, we will be the BEST parents ever imagined because that baby has been wanted for a very long time and will be very loved.

"You don't get over it. You just get through it." 

They say "Time heals everything" but I'm still waiting.

I know a d&c isn't that big of a deal to some. But this is scary for me. I have never been "put under" and knowing that they will be scraping and vaccuming out our baby is painful. I've had people tell me, "Well, once you have it, you can heal and move on." Do they really know how difficult that is for us?

We tried for this baby for four years. FOUR YEARS. I have undergone many tests to diagnose the reasoning behind my infertility and no answers. I was going back to the doctor to undergo more tests but a week later, after speaking with a doctor, we found out I was pregnant. I don't want to "get rid of this baby." We wanted this one. Now, after the surgery, it feels like we are back to square one. I will be a test dummy yet again. I will never get used to being exposed to different doctors and having them in my personal area to figure out what's wrong. I'm at a lost as to whether or not I should even go through more tests due to this pain I am going through now.

Do people really understand how I feel? I feel those who have gone through battling infertility understand very much so. It's back to where we started, four years ago.

My Angel Baby

October 21, 2013. A day I wish I could've skipped over.

On our 4 year wedding anniversary, after 4 years of TTC, we found out we were pregnant. Oh yeah, we were excited! I took pregnancy tests every month in hopes to have that one positive test. Well, I finally did. I had a very faint positive and ran out of the bathroom (shorts around my ankles) to show my husband. We ran back out to the store to get another test that would later spell it out to us: P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T. Holy crap. This is happening. We finally beat infertility.

I immediately fell in love. I loved my belly, having symptoms, talking about shopping for baby items, discussing baby names, talking about the future with our baby - I was over the moon in love with my baby. My whole family was excited for us. Everyone knew how badly we wanted a baby. This was our miracle baby. I know everyone says they have a miracle baby but I feel when you are told you suffer with infertility and you really don't think it is ever going to happen but it finally does, well, that's a true miracle.

I had one of my coworkers take a peep at my belly with one of our machines in cardiology at work when I was 6.5 weeks. There was our little Nemo. (Our last name is Fisher so Nemo was the nickname we had chosen). I couldn't believe my eyes. There is our baby! We could even see the heart beating. I felt a sense of relief knowing our baby was okay since my official ultrasound wasn't until I was 11 weeks. (Joys of being in the military)

Those weeks had passed and here I am in the waiting room for our first *real* ultrasound! (At this appointment, I was 11w4d pregnant) I was anxious. We get in our room and here comes in the doctor. I was ready to see how much our baby had grown since my sneak peek with my coworker. As she put the probe on my belly, the room got quiet. She bluntly came out and said "Well, there's no heartbeat. Looks like the baby passed away a little after 8 weeks. You can sit in the room as long as you need to." Was this for real?! My heart sank and I cried and hollered "No, no, no, no!!" My husband was speechless. The doctor left the room leaving the image of our deceased baby on the screen. What a horrible way to remember your child when only a few weeks prior, you saw him doing fine.

My heart was crushed. It still is. I feel so distant from everyone and lost. I don't know where to start. We had a silent miscarriage. My little baby is still in me as I am typing this. How is this possible? Why me? Why us? Why my baby? Gone in an instant. I feel like I am a walking grave for my baby. I want to let go but my body hasn't let me yet. Tuesday, I will have a d&c. That's when I will have my finally goodbye. I still lay my hand on my belly and talk to him, letting him know how much I do love him and how much I miss him. I tell him that mommy and daddy think about him every second of the day and we always will. He could never be replaced.

I hope one day we will be blessed again. Noah Blake, mommy and daddy will always love you. You're our little angel. Our miracle.