They'll judge you anyway.

It has been awhile since I have blogged. Believe it or not, I find myself more and more at peace everyday.

Moving forward has been a huge relief. I no longer focus all my time and energy on infertility. I no longer feel bitter about others getting pregnant and little old me being left in the dust forgotten about. I no longer care to have people feel sorry for me. I no longer have fertile friends giving me horrible advice since they're the experts or telling me really cruel things that they don't think about before saying. I no longer feel like it's a smack in the face seeing the "for the mommys" posts. 

I do remember our loss and the pain I experienced. I will always have a love for that baby that no one will understand. Yes, I was only a few months along before our baby passed but what if that were your earthly child? I bet you wouldn't say "At least you weren't that far along." Think about it.

We have officially moved on to the part of acceptance and we are content with not having children. I feel that one of the reasons I wanted one so badly was because literally, all of my other friends were having babies. I don't have to fit in. A lot of those people told me "Well, things happen for a reason." That doesn't make our loss okay. I didn't want to lose our baby but I am seeing that God isn't done with me. I have really opened my eyes! We still have a lot to accomplish in life. I have had a lot of friends and random people tell me how jealous they are and that they wish they could've gotten their degree or traveled. Having a child is a choice for those that are able to. And if you aren't ready for that commitment, don't have one, or two, or three. I do not believe "having a child is the hardest job on the planet." You make that choice. We are used to our peace and quiet. We are used to our alone time and stepping out the door to do whatever we want. It is what we are used to and what we like. There is nothing wrong with that. Some may think it as selfish but there is nothing saying that we HAVE to have kids. It is not selfish to put my own well-being first. It is what society expects. I shouldn't be called a "waste of a woman" because I can't and don't want kids. This doesn't mean we don't agree with you choosing to have kids but we would like the respect of our choice. There is just more to our lives than having children. We are a happy family of two and I am a mother to an angel!

Welcome to the DINK life.

After you're married, everyone expects you to do the norm. To bring a baby into this world. But what if you went the other route?

Some couples, like us, aren't as fortunate. A lot of couples suffering with infertility can't afford to continue treatment, IVF, or adoption. It's not that simple for some. It's not fair couples who really want a baby have to pay THOUSANDS of dollars for treatments that may not even work. I hope the next time you think about asking, "When are you going to have a baby?" you consider that some couples just simply can't. It gets to be too overwhelming. All of the pressure, doctors, treatments. You feel like you don't fit in anywhere. 

Our life has taken a new turn. We have moved on from the thought of trying to have children. I mean, we are going on year 5 of ttc. It's exhausting! We are focusing on US and having fun. I haven't felt this much peace in my life in a very long time. We are a FAMILY of two. We are DINK's. (Dual Income No Kids) Maybe the DINK life isn't so bad? ;) 

Let yourself move to the next chapter in life when the time comes. Don't remain stuck on the same page. 

My worth is not determined by having children.

Accepting what is.

I've been thinking a lot. But I have also come to terms of acceptance and peace...

     I’ve come to realize that our experience with infertility primarily changed who I am, and has subsequently redefined what IS normal for me. 
     
     I'm not "normal." My body doesn't do what women are "supposed" to do…I am infertile. I have come to accept that. And I feeling somewhat at peace. Yes, I still miss our baby but I am learning to accept this disease that I do have. Having babies is expected of couples. Well, maybe some couples can't (and trying to get pregnant with help is EXPENSIVE) and maybe some just don't by choice. Just by looking at someone, you will never know if they are infertile, going through (IVF) infertility treatment or have just had a miscarriage. Conception is a miracle and so too is the act of giving life to another. For those that are willing and able they should be grateful and not take it for granted. Being a parent does not make you better than a childless couple. Being a parent does not make you more knowledgeable about life, it only makes you knowledgable about different things. A woman's reason for being childless is hers and hers alone. It is no one else's business to assume or pretend to know all the answers. I've been told many cruel things over the years by people who do not understand what we go through. It gets tiring…emotionally and physically. I wouldn't wish infertility even on my worst enemy. But I have accepted that for whatever reason, I am suffering with this.
    
      At this point in my life, I have decided that we need to press forward. I need to live my life with my husband and we need to enjoy our life together. We have such a huge opportunity with doing whatever we want right now! Just having FUN together. We can use a nonexistent college fund to travel the world! We can pack up our things and go wherever we want, when we want. I can go shopping for myself. I can go out to the grocery store, peacefully. We can stay up late and sleep in! We can do movies and late night dinners on random week nights. My husband has said that I have a good point and couldn't agree more. A lot of you reading this may not understand. You may think we are selfish for thinking this. It's simply accepting a disease that I have. My life is different than the normal "oh you're married, you're supposed to have kids now" life. We have battled infertility for going on 5 years. It's time to enjoy US! This is my new normal.
   
     I will always be a "mother" to our angel baby/furbabies and I will always be the best "auntie" to whoever claims me as one. :) (plus, we can give them BACK!) And if one day, we have a successful pregnancy, then so be it. We will love that baby more than life itself. But for now, this is life as we know it. 

--You don't have to defend or explain your decisions to anyone. It's YOUR life.
--"Acceptance is not submission; it is acknowledgement of the facts of a situation. Then deciding what you're going to do about it." 
--You're not a real woman until you've had kids? False. Being born with a vagina makes you female.