My Angel Baby

October 21, 2013. A day I wish I could've skipped over.

On our 4 year wedding anniversary, after 4 years of TTC, we found out we were pregnant. Oh yeah, we were excited! I took pregnancy tests every month in hopes to have that one positive test. Well, I finally did. I had a very faint positive and ran out of the bathroom (shorts around my ankles) to show my husband. We ran back out to the store to get another test that would later spell it out to us: P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T. Holy crap. This is happening. We finally beat infertility.

I immediately fell in love. I loved my belly, having symptoms, talking about shopping for baby items, discussing baby names, talking about the future with our baby - I was over the moon in love with my baby. My whole family was excited for us. Everyone knew how badly we wanted a baby. This was our miracle baby. I know everyone says they have a miracle baby but I feel when you are told you suffer with infertility and you really don't think it is ever going to happen but it finally does, well, that's a true miracle.

I had one of my coworkers take a peep at my belly with one of our machines in cardiology at work when I was 6.5 weeks. There was our little Nemo. (Our last name is Fisher so Nemo was the nickname we had chosen). I couldn't believe my eyes. There is our baby! We could even see the heart beating. I felt a sense of relief knowing our baby was okay since my official ultrasound wasn't until I was 11 weeks. (Joys of being in the military)

Those weeks had passed and here I am in the waiting room for our first *real* ultrasound! (At this appointment, I was 11w4d pregnant) I was anxious. We get in our room and here comes in the doctor. I was ready to see how much our baby had grown since my sneak peek with my coworker. As she put the probe on my belly, the room got quiet. She bluntly came out and said "Well, there's no heartbeat. Looks like the baby passed away a little after 8 weeks. You can sit in the room as long as you need to." Was this for real?! My heart sank and I cried and hollered "No, no, no, no!!" My husband was speechless. The doctor left the room leaving the image of our deceased baby on the screen. What a horrible way to remember your child when only a few weeks prior, you saw him doing fine.

My heart was crushed. It still is. I feel so distant from everyone and lost. I don't know where to start. We had a silent miscarriage. My little baby is still in me as I am typing this. How is this possible? Why me? Why us? Why my baby? Gone in an instant. I feel like I am a walking grave for my baby. I want to let go but my body hasn't let me yet. Tuesday, I will have a d&c. That's when I will have my finally goodbye. I still lay my hand on my belly and talk to him, letting him know how much I do love him and how much I miss him. I tell him that mommy and daddy think about him every second of the day and we always will. He could never be replaced.

I hope one day we will be blessed again. Noah Blake, mommy and daddy will always love you. You're our little angel. Our miracle.